Diaries are always fun. I’ve never really kept a daily diary as on most days, I really cannot be bothered with jotting down every trivial goings on in my life that day but when I was about thirteen, I actually managed to keep a diary for an entire year. And this weekend, I went to my dad’s house to sort out my old bedroom and stumbled across that very diary and boy, oh, boy, it is hilarious!
I started this diary on Tuesday 25th March 2008 and the first line is pretty much the funniest thing I read in the entire book.. “I have just come back from town. Mum had her hair done. It looks like a hedgehog.” I later go on to explain that I meant that in a nice way but as you can tell, thirteen year old me was just bursting with complements. You can tell by this point I hadn’t learnt about connectives or writing longer sentences in English Language yet because this is so punchy with it’s short sentences – straight to the point, no faffing around at all.
Another thing I learnt when reading through the diary was the fact that I was jumping from boy to boy with who I was crushing on – like every other teenage girl. Let’s rename the three boys I crushed on at the prime age of thirteen for their own protection – we’ll call them Fred, Norris and Roy. April 27th, I was crushing entirely on Norris. I wanted to marry him – two children, estate car, suburban house with the picket fence with a mortgage, the works. By 14th May, I was completely over Norris and was now head over heels in love with Fred. He even sat beside me in French, ooh la la! 24 hours later and I was in a love triangle with Norris and Fred. My heart was all over the place. In my own words, “Big dilemma, I fancy Norris really badly. He is sooo buff. He is the best!!” yet 18th May’s entry has no mention of Norris at all and it’s mentions of Fred all over the place. 18th May also saw Fred giving me his number and an exchange of hormone driven text messages with him. Then my complicated love life got even worse with the introduction of Roy on the 1st June – I loved Fred still but not as much as Roy. This pretty much continued until 24th June when I decide I don’t love Roy and my heart truly belongs to Fred. I even decide that Fred is ‘the one’ and declare my undying love to him with the following illustration.. wow.
And if by reading my whirlwind romance induced love life didn’t clarify my sexuality, thirteen year old me thought it would be best to set the record straight (ignore the pun) on the 18th June 2008 with a simple yet effective statement: “I know I’m straight cos I have feelings for boys.”
The love triangle, well, love square between myself, Fred, Norris and Roy continued pretty much for the rest of 2008 but it was obvious my heart belonged to Fred truly because he was pretty much mentioned in every sentence. I would normally judge myself for being so tied up with a boy but I haven’t changed at all in the past nine years – apart from I don’t write it down (and give thirty-three year old me something to laugh about). I remember being thirteen and thinking that the world was this big, beautiful place whenever Fred looked at me or thinking that Fred was gonna get down on one knee and ask me to be Mrs. Fred in the middle of Chemistry whenever he asked to borrow my textbook. This was pretty much proved when, on the 25th June 2008, I wrote: “so 2daii was a quite a gurd daii. Fred kept acknologing me – ahh! long word! lol.” I don’t know what to cringe at most – the fact I was so ecstatically proud that I had used a long word or the fact I spelt it wrong. How the hell did I manage to get two As in GCSE English two years later?
The love saga did hit quite a vicious part though when on 3rd July, Fred was “all upset with me on msn cos I said his name was weird. I meant his msn name. It was ##########.” I was absolutely heartbroken. Knowing what I used to be like, he probably stopped talking for about ten minutes so I thought it would be best to appear offline, then come back online constantly so that his whole screen was filled with notifications of me coming back online – just in case he had forgotten I existed in those ten vital minutes.
Eleven days later, I wrote: “Yh, I asked Fred out. He said no but tbh I don’t care lol. Better off friends.” I was actually so gutted for thirteen year old me as I read my diary back today. I can remember how much I liked (not loved as I declared every ten words in the diary) him and I also remember how gutted I was. To this day, he was the only boy I ever ‘asked out’ and I don’t think I got over that rejection as quick as I made out.
Although the diary was pretty much just me documenting thirteen year old me’s love life (or lack of), I did experience a lot of difficult things when I was thirteen. For one, my granddad died. 16th August 2008’s entry saw: “Grandad isn’t very well. Dad went to see him in hospital. They don’t think he’ll survive it this time.” And he didn’t. 17th August just consisted of: “Grandad died this morning. Tbh it hasn’t reli sunk in yet.” I used that diary as my escape to reflect. I got bullied quite a lot (understatement of the century) in my first high school because of my grades or attitude to lessons. I was a nerd. I’m not even gonna deny it. I was constantly top of the class and always in the higher ‘sets’ in subjects – hard to believe with my ridiculous grammar and text language in the diary. But anyway, I was bullied a lot and I was 200 miles away from my family (and home) in Yorkshire so I found it really hard. I used that diary to express all the things I couldn’t say to anyone else as at the time, I didn’t really have anybody I could really talk to. I spoke about absolutely everything – but mostly about my crushes.
And although I did sometimes get really serious with my emotions and open up entirely on how I was feeling about life, I did tend to get a bit overdramatic like the stroppy teenager I used to be. The 8th October 2008’s entry is probably the funniest thing I have ever wrote in my entire life..
“I hate my life. I wud run away but I got school. Actually I may run away or not come home tomorrow. I’ll walk home and go to ASDA then stay there for about two hours. That will scare them. If I go to dance or library till four then walk home and then get to ASDA about 4:45ish then stay there for two hours. I’m heartbroken. It isn’t fair. Why does bad things always have to happen to me? Nothing good! Only bad! Every time I get to do something, ‘I ain’t allowed’. Why are parents so mean??? Yeah, apparently they want whats best for you. Paha. Yeah, what loser said that! Well they are completely wrong! Parents only are there to spoil your fucking life. I don’t like it. Why is life so cruel? It isn’t fair. Life is absolute rubbish! I hate it! ARGH!I can’t wait till I leave school! Then I can move! As far away from my parents as possible!! Australia is too close! I wish I was adopted by two nice people. Who wanted me. Put into a care home is probably better than this.”
Can you work out what it was about? What on Earth had gone on in my life that was so terrible?
..My parents had told me that I couldn’t travel to London for Switch (now known as the BBC Teen Music Awards) to see the true love of my life, George Sampson. Yeah, that’s right. I had a huge crush on George Sampson, the winner of Britain’s Got Talent. But that’s a dark part of my teenage years so the less said about that, the better. But yeah, he was performing at the Switch event in London and my parents had said I couldn’t go. I genuinely planned for about two weeks running away from home because of it. I even planned to stay in Yorkshire when we came up to my cousin’s eighteenth birthday party.
I just hope to God that when I have children, they are not as dramatic as I was at thirteen..